OK, what's this "TG Butch" thing, and all these "he" comments...

I'll admit, my life can be a bit confusing to the uninitiated outsider. Here you think you've got it all figured out, that I'm this proud out queer girl marrying another woman, but then you read my blog and start noticing things like "I talked to Ivón and he..."

Um... HE?!? I'm a lesbian, right?!?

Well, kinda sorta technically but not really.

My beloved is legally and biologically female, but inside feels totally male. If it had been an option 30 years ago, perhaps V. would have gotten in line for the hormones, surgery and legal shenanigans it takes to become identifiably and legally male. But it wasn't, and at this point it's not going to.

The gendered pronoun dance is always a fun one, of course. In front of most family (particularly V's family) an all coworkers, casual acquaintances, and in publicly viewable online sites that could be traced to one of us without much difficulty, I refer to V as "she." Directly to Ivón, in private communities where the support for such things can be presumed, and in front of most friends and some of my family members, I refer to V as "he." Ivón really is fine with either, I'm fine with either (and it's fun having conversations where I refer to V. as "he" as the person I'm talking to refers to V. as "she" - God help anyone overhearing us!), and it's really not nearly as much of a big deal to us as it is to a lot of other people. If you're commenting or talking to us electronically or in person, either one really is fine - the only limit being, in front of V's family or coworkers, it's "she" all the way; that's just a bridge we're not willing to jump off of just yet.

Questions are more than welcome - please don't feel as if you're being ignorant or nosy or anything. I feel that if I can help someone learn a bit more about being transgendered, then I've done a tiny little bit towards helping the world be more accepting of TG folk in general.

Music list

For now, this is just in totally random order as we hear songs that we'd like to play at the reception. Source for this list is a day of cleaning, while playing the "classic disco" and "party favorites" stations on our cable music channels!

I'm figuring we should plan on two hours/CDs of dinner music, an 3-4 hours/CDs of dance music. Since that's a LOT of music (what, 120 songs maybe?) I want to start making note of things we'd enjoy. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE feel free to comment and make suggestions!! We're looking for a wide variety of music types.

Dance music:
Sylvester - Do you wanna funk
Brick house
YMCA
Rock the boat
Get this party started
I'm in love - Evelyn "Champagne" King
Last dance - Donna Summer
I just wanna be your everything - Andy Gibb
Conga - Gloria Estephan
Forget me nots - Patrice Rushen
This thing called love - Queen
Kiss - Prince
Dance With Me cd - lots of the songs
"Let the music play"
At least a half-dozen good two-step songs

Reception music:
Frank Sinatra songs
Santana songs - Give me your heart make it real
Stevie Wonder songs - You are the sunshine of my life
Some good "wedding songs" - At Last, Somewhere over the rainbow, What a wonderful world
Mary Chapin Carpenter - Why walk when you can fly
Kathy Mattea - Where have you been
Van Morrison - Moondance
As ("I'll be loving you Always") - Stevie Wonder song, but George Michaels/Mary K. Blige version

Random planning notes and to-do list

Stuff that's done or decided is in italics.

Invitations:

• "Save the date": An email should suffice.
  
• RSVP's: Again, just ask them to use email? Use one of the online e-vite tools?
• Invitation wording and paper. Make our own or have printed?
• If we want folks to consider saying/reading something, include that with the invitation.

Getting Ready:

• Am I going to get hair and makeup done professionally? If so, where?
• Definitely get TweenGrand's hair styled/twisties or style of choice that morning.
  
• Get BabyGrand's and V's hair cut the week before.
• Plan to get "gin blossoms" aka the tiny capillaries that cover my entire face removed long before the ceremony. Since it will likely take several treatments, I may even have the first round done over my Christmas break!
  

Ceremony:

• Figure out what we're going to say and do. Make sure all rituals (especially Jewish specific elements and rituals) are explained as part of the service. Have prayers but keep God-language to a minimum out of respect for V.
  
• Who's going to officiate: Rabbi? A.G.?
• Wedding party: TweenGrand our only attendant. What will she do during the ceremony, other than perhaps take my flowers then sit down? BabyGrand is our flower girl.
  
• Other participants: Something for my parents to do? Special friends? Invite everyone who wants to to prepare a special blessing or poem or something else to say during the wedding?
  
• Where is it going to be?
• What are we going to make the chuppah frame out of, and how are we going to decorate the poles? How are we going to hold it up? Mom is going to make a quilt-pieced chuppah cover.
  
• Music: Mel sing during ceremony? How will we handle other music? What will the other music be? Procession to a niggun sung by all? "This Will Be (An Everlasting Love)" after the kiss. Who will be in charge of cuing the music during the ceremony?
  

Clothes:

• Find suit for V and get it tailored
• I have my dress already! Get my dress fitted
• Find SHOES (except they don't make pretty wedding shoes for people with wide flat feet who need orthodics in order to not be in pain within two hours)
• TweenGrand: Let her pick out her own dress, something she can later wear to a school formal, any color/style ok except for "tart".
• BabyGrand: Get TweenGrand's dress first so we don't have a color clash? Flower girl dresses on ebay?
  

Reception:

• Where is it going to be? We prefer someplace that would give us the choice of being either indoors or outdoors, depending on the weather on the day of the wedding.
  
• Who's going to make the food? Buffet, plated, bbq, appetizers and desserts only? We want either a focus on locally grown/raised foods, or Puerto Rican style foods, or a mix of both, though there's not much of a chance of finding a PR caterer around here.
  
• Cake: V's friend O is probably going to make. I'm going to start asking on freecycle for cool cake stands. Now I wish I had thought to take my Granny's cake stands, but I just didn't see that we'd ever use them and never thought about how they might be good for a wedding reception.
  
• Music: Need to rent a sound system? Hire a DJ? Use an ipod or mix-CDs?
• Dancing: First dance - still You Are My Home? Do we want to do a father/daughter (and perhaps at the same time, V and my mom) dance - maybe a slow swing dance instead of a regular slow dance? A "family" dance - "We Are Family" with the grand-d's to start then ask everyone else to join in.
  
• Garter? BLECH. But V may insist on it. Play "Echa P'alante" if we must do this. Flower toss? I really don't care to do that.
  
• Kids: Consider hiring someone to plan activities for and help keep an eye on the toddler through young school-age crowd, to give the parents a break. Crafts/coloring table? Glow necklaces - will need enough for the adults, too!!
  

Helpers:

• M.A.: help plan decorations?
• Tina: Helping to arrange flowers for table and around chuppah. Also growing flowers in her garden for us to use!
• O.: Making our wedding cake (I'm not going to count this as 100% certain since V goes up and down with O, but this is the plan as of this moment. It definitely won't be a "pro" cake but I'd MUCH rather have yummy and made with love even if clearly home-made and not "perfect" than anything else.
  
• Donna and Zip: be my personal helpers that day (dressing, attending to last minute details, verifying things are going ok)?
  
• L.I.: Make my headpiece, using lace cut from bottom of the dress to cut into ribbons for the headpiece, with added satin ribbon and tiny silk flowers?
• Kevin: Make some mix CD's - give him a list and an account to use for downloads?
  
• Photographer: Ask Bro, Bro-in-law, and JF to take pictures? Ask one to take some formal poses before the wedding, one to take pics during the wedding, all to snap pics during the reception. Or just break down and hire a professional photographer?
  
• Videographer: Do we want this expense? If so, who? I really like the idea of having this on video, but not sure about the cost of it.
  
• Music: Someone to cue the music during the ceremony, someone to be in charge of the music during the reception. Hire a DJ? Probably not.
  

Out of Towners:

• Where are folks going to stay? Hotel block somewhere? Rent a couple of campers to put in the driveway? Who can stay in the house?
  

Planning Links

This is just a post I'll be editing as needed to collect the links to a variety of vendors, locations, and other things to consider as we try to plan this shindig.

Local Foods:
Lots of things: http://www.historiclewesfarmersmarket.org/index_files/meetourvendors.htm
Local organics: http://delawareorganics.com/
Produce: http://www.communityorganics.org/
Cheese: http://www.chapelscreamery.com/
Meats: http://www.samyoderfarm.com/
Dairy: Lewes Dairy
Eggs: Bill Stevenson/Birds of a Feather if he has any, or carolynberldonald@carolynberldonald.com 854-9260 if he's all sold out


Possible wedding locations:
http://www.nassauvalley.com/rentals.htm
http://www.destateparks.com/know/event/irlssfacility.htm
http://www.destateparks.com/know/event/facbiden.htm
http://www.destateparks.com/know/event/facgrass.htm
(the two above are potentially good Memorial Day weekend Sunday wedding locations - Biden for its affordable sleeping facilities and beach area location, Grass Dale for its more northern location so less traffic and less expensive lodging)
http://www.camparrowhead.net/offseas.htm#CONF
http://dda.delaware.gov/forestry/forest.shtml
(Redden is close, pretty, the lodge will seat 60, cost $225)

From the question I put out to several local e-groups:
Sunny Brae Mansion in milford web site is www.sunnybraemansion.com
Knottsberry Farm in Delmar
Indian River Lifesaving Station (beach wedding but not enough space for indoor ceremony/reception) http://www.destateparks.com/know/event/irlssfacility.htm
Roxana Fire house..302-436-2300


Caterers:
http://www.downtownmilford.org/nancys_cafe.html


Cheap donatable tableware:
http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/90116379 - stoneware plates for 59 cents each
http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/50087185 - 16 piece cutlery for $3 (75c per person)



Cakes:
http://www.oliviasbreads.com/index2.html


Flowers:
http://www.hattiesgarden.com/
http://www.communityorganics.org/


Photography:
http://www.asofterimage.com/


Suits for Von:
http://www.ftmguide.org/shortmensclothes.html#stores
http://www.mensitaly.com/products.aspx?id=235
http://www.uniformalwearhouse.com/apages/women_shirt1.html


Rings:
We're getting our wedding bands from a friend's family jewelry business, but if you're looking for something non-traditional and handcrafted with certified eco-metals and conflict-free stones, check this out: http://www.sumiche.com

Misc. wedding resources:
http://community.theknot.com/cs/ks/user/page.aspx?username=delawarebio