Despite the frequency in which I encounter it, I'm constantly startled and astounded whenever I come across online communities that tolerate or even actively support groups of its members that clearly feed off of attacking other members. It seems to be an equal-opportunity phenomenon, which I've encountered in such disparate communities such as those devoted to mothering, renovating old houses, and conversion to Judaism.
I'm not sure why I should be surprised to find it in a site dedicated to wedding planning, but I suppose I was. Silly me, constantly presuming that people will generally make at least a token attempt to be reasonable and kind to each other.
What I understand even less than groups of folks being intentionally mean towards others, is the willingness of the folks who run the communities they're in to tolerate this behavior. I'm sure The Knot (which someone I know has nicknamed "The Snot" which is quite appropriate except for a few small corners of humanity and helpfulness I've found there) would never want to advertise itself as "the place for mean-spirited bullying nasty-ass women to gather on the pretense of wedding planning in order to find fresh blood for their daily feed" and yet there's no question that's what much of it has become.
I have just never understood the apparent thirst for blood that these types of bullies have. Some even clearly pride themselves on it, putting things in their "sig lines" to indicate their pride in being considered a bully, referring to themselves as part of a "Mean Mama Posse," things like that.
Why?!? I just don't get it. Why in the world would someone pride themselves on being mean?
Of course I sometimes drift off into, "well, maybe their lives are rough and powerless in a way that they can't admit to and can't control in real-space, so they go online to vent their frustration and grab this misguided inappropriate type of power online." But my sympathy generally never lasts for long, and for the most part I believe that most of these women are just mean spirited bitches who would be nasty and ugly no matter where they were.
It's not something that at this time in my life affects me personally, in that I don't take those kinds of attacks on me as personal and I don't cower in the face of them (though I'm learning when it's useless to continue arguing with a bunch of hyenas that are craving blood and gore and tears), but I've seen them attack folks who are less able to understand that it's not about them doing something wrong, it's about a reckless and juvenile bully's quest for her (or his) latest fix, and that just pisses me the hell off.
At The Knot, my activist gene is tingling, and I'm considering trying to gather up the email addresses for most of their major advertisers and posting to try and get women to write to complain about The Knot's tolerance for this kind of bullying. Will it really do any good? Most likely not, but it might make The Knot take notice, at least for a moment, and it might help other women there take a stronger stance against the bullying they're having to endure.
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